10 Years Ago today, I awoke in your house. The house you went out on your own and bought, to take the steps to show you could make it on your own. Not because you didn’t want me to be there with you, but to prove you were strong enough to do it. I awoke, and you weren’t there. My brothers were there, but you weren’t. But I was not worried, I was not scared. I knew where you were. I knew where I was going. I knew were WE were going.
The day was gray (I’m not intending to rhyme there, it just really was gray out). We had planned an outdoors wedding, we knew this could happen, we had “a backup plan”. Still, it did not calm our nerves, thinking about all the re-planning we would have to do, getting everything into your parents’ house. I sat downstairs in their basement, knowing you were upstairs…and all while I was a bundle of nerves, the worst part was not being able to see how you were feeling, to see if you were calm and collected, trusting in our plans, or if you were trying to fix it all, and wishing I could be there to help.
Just before our decided time…the clouds broke. The light rain stopped, and it all just seemed meant to be. Finally, with our families behind us, we pledged our lives to each other. With all our siblings surrounding us, we affirmed the love we shared. And finally, all the planning, all the dreaming, all the wondering was past. WE had arrived. It was now OUR time.
The rest of the day was a blur. You claimed it was because I had one too many drinks, I still claim to this day I didn’t, that it was because of ALL the nerves and stress we had was finally moving past, and we tried to soak in as much as we could in the time we were there. But after some time had passed, it was done and over. The mess was left for the next day, we were driven home, trying not to pass out from exhaustion. We went to sleep that night, cherishing the rest we got in OUR house. With OUR family anew, ready to begin.
A decade has passed, and how much is changed. That house, long since sold to another. A different house, now well lived in. Many pets have come and gone in between. Two beautiful children growing up way too fast. All new worries and dreams line my thoughts, the ones from a decade ago now long since past.
But obviously, that decade has an asterisk with it…a large cloud that dampers my view on it. Much like 10 years ago, I can not turn to see how you are feeling, if you are calm or running around trying to fix things. I miss this every single day, not being able to bring my gripes, my worries, my problems to you, to hear you figure out the balance to my way of approaching it. Or, just to share in our complaints, in our frustrations. Or just to hear you playfully ridicule, either the situation or even me.
But I can not let that cloud block out all of this decade. Because I have my memories. Because I have our children. Because I still love my family, your family, OUR family. Because I know that, where I am in life, I would not be anywhere without the years we had together. I cherish that time, though short it was. There was so much we missed, so much we didn’t get to, but we lived a great love together, and that can not be erased, can not be blocked out.
A decade has passed, and through it all, through decades to come, I will always love you.
Shannon and Joe